Wow, it’s been a long time.
So, on the day before my birthday of all things, I figured I would try to come out for real to my wife. It had been something I had been talking about in therapy, and I knew that I wanted to make sure that she knew that I wouldn’t embark on anything drastic until we’d both decided it was right, but also not to close off any immediate doors in the name of compromise. Which was a delicate and strange thing to figure out when I couldn’t even tell how she would react.
I’ve probably said here before that my wife knew about … well, me. While that’s technically true, it wasn’t something we talked about, and in retrospect, probably something that I had probably spoken more vaguely about than was healthy. In the name of minimizing short-term uncomfortableness. This time, I wanted it to not be that way. I knew I had no idea what I was doing, but I realized I wasn’t ever going to get that idea. Not anytime soon. So I just said it.
It didn’t really go very well. But I knew that would happen, too.
Suffice it to say that this was my least enjoyable birthday ever. And I wasn’t really sure throughout whether I would survive. I spoke in direct terms, while also trying to be gentle. There were quite a few tears on both sides, and then a couple of awkward, silent days. I spent the day of my birthday profoundly sad, and then I went to the emergency room the day after. These things weren’t unrelated. I lost four pounds overnight, most of it in blood weight.
In some ways, though, it was maybe a jolt of perspective that we both needed. Things didn’t get better right away, but they did. They’re still not necessarily where we even started, but I hope we’re somewhere infinitely more honest. I don’t know where I’m going from here. For a few days, I was so sad, that it was almost like I was “cured.” That is — I almost gave up, completely. So emotionally drained and disconnected from my body that I just didn’t care anymore. And I couldn’t even consider writing about it here, because… Well. I wasn’t ready. So I disappeared.
With time, though, I’ve felt more of myself come back. So I’m here again. Hi, everyone.
Some random things too, since it’s been so long:
Another haircut. I know I whined about my last one. I’d let it grow out since then, and it had gotten long, but unappealingly shaggy. And we have family portraits coming up, so. This one was much better, although it was still a boy cut, because I went to a salon, for the first time ever. And I told my stylist that I wanted to go funkier (I’d always had very conservative, barbershop cuts), and I got what I asked for. Honestly, I’ve never really had sorta-spiky, sorta-messy hair, and I’m kind of loving it (and as a bonus, I can tone it down pretty easily for home). Baby steps. Next time I think I’ll have the courage to get a little more out there.
I really need to do something about my eyebrows.
Can I just say? I LOVE my therapist. I really lucked out, gals. It’s a bit of a wringer, every time, but I always leave feeling so optimistic. Lately she’s been trying to get me to go to group therapy and I’m seriously considering it.
Oh, and if you could see my Amazon shopping cart. I’m a little embarrassed to write about it. Maybe later.
So there, I’m still alive. Missed you.